By: Jose Lazaro
Every person decides how to exercise their sexuality, whether through sexual orientation, gender identity, gender expression or other forms. To achieve this, it goes through a prolonged and dynamic process that is nourished by life experiences, the sexual education received, stimuli from society and how these stimuli are processed. For cisgender heterosexual men, this process tends to include certain challenges perpetuated by ideas of machismo. These challenges may focus on: control over female sexuality, excessive consumption of pornographic material, low intelligence and/or sexual health, and self-esteem and self-concept problems due to not meeting stereotypes of traditional masculinity.
In the case of this article, we will talk about the implicit competition seen between cisgender heterosexual men and sex toys. We will talk about the perception of many men regarding sex toys, the limitations to the sexual experience that this can bring, how this is reinforced by mental schemas of machismo and how to get out of this cycle of sexual ignorance. Finally, every time men are referred to in the writing, it refers exclusively to cisgender heterosexual men.
Many men, especially young men, are facing a dilemma with their masculinity. They adhere to a traditional masculinity that is categorized as sexist or toxic man or they explore an alternative masculinity where they break with the traditional norms of the male gender and begin a process of deconstruction. This can be seen in how they educate themselves about sex and how they decide to carry out their sexual practices.
Nowadays, it seems like a pillar of men's sexual education that it begins with pornography. Pornography is presented as a source of unfiltered content, a blast of sexual information for young people who barely understand their bodies. This is why the sexual practices of many men focus on what they have learned from pornography. From the sexual selfishness of men, the contempt for female pleasure, the lack of knowledge of a sexual act that does not include penetration, the obsession with the size of the penis and the competition against sex toys.
Focusing on sex toys, they represent an openness to sexual practices not commonly seen in pornography. What happens when men are unable to see beyond the indoctrination of the pornography industry and the hypersexualization of a sexist society? We see how a hostile relationship develops with toys, they are perceived as a defeat of his sexual abilities, as if his partner's use of toys represents a dissatisfaction with him. It is observed how it becomes a taboo and that women must hide the toys from him or use them after the man has acquired his own satisfaction from him.
Feelings of shame also arise in some (hetero) women due to the idea that they can have their own sexual satisfaction without the need for a man. All of this comes together to reinforce the sexual illiteracy that we see in many people of both sexes.
This is reflected in how heterosexual women tend to report less sexual satisfaction than women of other sexual orientations. It can be frustrating that there is a dearth of integrated sexuality education that truly prepares people for safe, satisfying and creative sex lives. Depending on beliefs or contexts, essential elements of this education are sacrificed.
So what can men do to change this mentality that sex toys are their competition?
It involves unlearning many sexual practices focused on male selfishness during sex as well as developing communication skills and attention to the needs of the man himself and with whom he performs the sexual act. From an individual perspective, every man who wants to achieve maximum sexual satisfaction must attend to his body with care and attention, paying attention to which practices are most pleasurable. Added to this is the openness to educating yourself about possible sex toys such as "sleeves" or "cock rings", these can increase the sexual stimulation capabilities for men.
Around here it would be good to mention the terror that many men have of anal stimulation. This serves as evidence of how men inhibit themselves from enjoying their bodies. Of course, the answer is not to participate in any sexual act and use all the toys in order to be a “healthy man”, this is about breaking sexist beliefs about sexuality and exposing oneself to new experiences of sexual education and practices. From a couple's perspective, it is essential to let go of pornography, sexual ignorance, and sexual selfishness. For those who think that pornography has something positive to contribute, it is important to be aware that this content is predominantly created for men and shows idealized scenarios that do not represent reality.
It is up to men to modify their masculinity to explore how to communicate efficiently, be considerate of their partner's desires, and implement the necessary changes so that both of them (or however many want to be involved) receive the pleasure they deserve. This includes letting go of some harmful thoughts such as obsession with penis size, worrying about your partner's sexual history or even how long the act lasts. Instead, encourage communication to get a clear idea of your partner's desires and preferences and get on track to fulfilling those desires. This includes exploring whether there is an interest in using toys, which toys, how to use them, and learning about hygienic aspects of toy use.
Sexual preferences are going to differ just as food tastes differ, it's part of human nature. The essential thing is to be aware of what is truly a preference and what is an expectation set by pornography or sexist tendencies. Sex provides the opportunity to know, explore and enjoy the body and mind individually and with someone, which is why every opportunity to exercise sexuality should be taken advantage of. Leave behind the pressure of being the perfect sexual partner, the “unforgettable”, let go of your obsession with the size of your penises and limit your consumption of pornography. Expand your sexual knowledge, get to know each other, communicate effectively with your partner and go to the capella love page to start exploring the world of sex toys.
